Being Reconciled in Christ
2008 Adult Lenten Series—Pohick Episcopal Church
The Reverend Donald D. Binder, PhD
Class Five: Reflection Questions

Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.
—Colossians 3:13

• Is there someone with whom I need to be reconciled? What hindrances are preventing this? What might help these to be overcome (see notes on back)?

• Have there been times in my life where I’ve used (or seen used) these negotiation techniques successfully (see notes on back)?

What Forgiveness is Not

• Forgiveness is Not a Feeling
• Forgiveness is an act of the will that often flies in the face of feelings.
• The act of forgiveness, however, can lead to a change in feelings.
• Forgiveness is Not Forgetting
• Forgetting is a passive process whereby memories fade over time.
• Forgiveness is an active decision not to think or talk about what others have done to hurt us.
•  Forgiveness is not Excusing
• Excusing implies that no wrong was done.
• Forgiveness is the opposite of excusing, as the very fact that forgiveness is necessary that what someone did was wrong and inexcusable.

What Forgiveness IS

• Forgiveness is a Decision
• When someone sins, he or she creates a debt with you. That debt can be resolved in two ways:
• Taking a payment: withholding forgiveness, dwelling on the wrong, being cold and aloof, giving up on the relationship, by inflicting emotional pain, by gossiping, by lashing back or by seeking revenge.
• Making a payment: releasing others from the penalties they deserve to pay by fighting against painful memories, speaking gracious words, working to tear down walls, enduring consequence of material or physical injury.
• The Four Promises of Forgiveness
• “I will not dwell on this incident.”
• “I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you.”
• “I will not talk to others about this incident.”
• “I will not let this incident stand between us or hinder our personal relationship.”

Issues Surrounding Forgiveness

• When Should You Forgive?
• Minor offenses can be forgiven even when the offender has not expressly repented.
• For larger offenses, ideally repentance should precede forgiveness.
• This involves a two-stage process
• Having an Attitude of Forgiveness:
• not dwelling on the hurtful incident or seeking retribution in thought, word or deed (the first of the four promises); standing reading to pursue reconciliation as soon as the other repents.
• Granting Forgiveness:
• When the person expresses their apology for the behavior and promises to pursue a different pattern of behavior, then the matter can be put to rest, whereby you invoke the other three promises of forgiveness.
• Can you ever Mention the Sin Again?
• Making a promise not to bring up the offense again should not prevent you from confronting a recurring pattern of sin.
• Example: someone blows-up at you repeatedly. You should forgive this person their outburst, but suggest that they seek counseling for anger management.
•  What about Consequences?
• When material wrong has been done, it is often appropriate for the offending person to make restitution and to face any associated penalties.
• Example: a treasurer who steals from the church repaying what was taken, losing the position and facing any criminal penalties.

Hindrances to Forgiveness

• Clarity in Confession
• It is sometimes hard to forgive unless the other is specific in detailing their offenses and their sorrow over them.
• Pseudo-Forgiveness
• We may sometimes withhold forgiveness because we believe the offender must earn it or  we want to punish him.
•  Blindness to One’s Own Offenses
• We might not recognize the need for ourselves to ask for forgiveness for that part of the problem for which we are responsible.

Steps in Negotiation

• Prepare your Words
• Affirm Relationships
• Understand Issues, Positions and Interests
• Search for Creative Solutions
• Evaluate and Refine Solutions.