Being Reconciled in Christ
2008 Adult Lenten Series—Pohick Episcopal Church
The Reverend Donald D. Binder, PhD
Class Three: Reflection Questions

If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone.
If the member listens to you, you have regained that one.
—Matthew 18:15

• Are there individuals to whom I need to go in private, either because I have something against them, or they have something against me (see criteria on back)?

• How in the past have I been able to resolve disputes with another privately through having a constructive attitude, being a good listener, and speaking wisely?
  
  Are there any of these areas where I might have particular room for personal growth (see back)?

Criteria for the Need to Go See Someone in Private

• Is the Person’s Behavior Dishonoring God?
• Does the person’s behavior reflect badly upon the Christian belief’s that we confess?
• Does the person’s behavior reflect badly upon the Church?
• Is the Person’s Behavior Damaging your Relationship?
• Have your feelings, thoughts, words or actions been altered in a negative way for more than a short period of time?
• Is the Person’s Behavior Hurting Others?
• Is the person’s behavior directly hurting someone else (abuse)?
• Is the person setting a poor example for others?
• Is the Person’s Behavior Hurting Him or Herself?
• Is the person involved in behavior that is self-abusive (e.g., alcohol abuse?)
• Is the person’s relationship with God and/or neighbor heavily impaired?

Hallmarks of Good Listening and Speaking

• Waiting
• Give the other person time to speak, and hear them out.
• “If one gives answer before hearing, it is folly and shame.” (Prov 18:13)
• Attending
• Really listen to what the other is saying, don’t just focus on formulating your response.
• Eliminate distractions, avoid negative body language.
• Give positive verbal cues: eye contact, nods, and helpful verbal cues.
• Clarifying
• “I’m confused about…,” “Are you saying . . . ?” “Can you give me an example?”
• Reflecting
• Echoing back content or feeling.
• “I get the impression that I’ve really disappointed you”
• “It sounds like you’re upset because I gave the job to John instead of you.”
• Agreeing
• Not abandoning your beliefs, but acknowledging points of agreement before pressing points of disagreement.
• “Okay, we’ve agreed on some things I did wrong. How do you think you contributed to the problem?”
• Make Charitable Judgments
• Don’t jump to conclusions, but begin by taking the most positive interpretation of intentions.
• Speak the Truth in Love (Eph 4:15)
• Be gentle first and firm when necessary.
• Talk from Beside, Not from Above
• Acknowledge your own shortcomings in the area of discussion
• Help Others Examine their Hearts
• Don’t guess at intentions, but suggest inward reflection, modeling your own experiences with this in the past.
• Choose the Right Time & Place
• Do not talk about sensitive subjects in front of others.
• Choose a time that will be uninterrupted, when both can focus on the matter
• Talk in Person
• Use email, letters or phone calls only to set up a private meeting.
• Do not include threatening “cliff-hangers” in these communications.
• Engage Rather than Declare
• Instead of accusations, make use of personal examples, analogies or meaningful allusions to areas the other has interest in.
• Communicate Clearly
• “It is not good enough to be understood, you must not be misunderstood.”
•  Plan your Words
• Define issues you need to address
• Think of words or topics that should be avoided as irrelevant or offensive
• Consider analogies or stories the other will understand and value
• Reflect upon words that describe your feelings and the effects on others
• Contemplate proposed solutions and benefits
• Use “I” Statements
• Helps the other know how their behavior is affecting you and why it is important.
• “I feel hurt when you make fun of me in front of other people, because it makes me feel stupid and foolish. As a result, I’m reluctant to go places with you when others are around.”
• Be Objective
• Avoid phrases like “you always,” “you never,” and “every time.”
• “You were late to work five times in the last two weeks,” not “you’re always late.”
• Ask for Feedback
• “What have I said that you would agree with? What would you disagree with?”
• Offer Solutions and Preferences
  • My first choice would be to get the whole family together to discuss dad’s will. What do you think?”